Breaking the Habit
by Purely Tainted
Summary: I have drawn the curtains around my bed for the final time. I take a long dagger from under my pillow, the dagger I’ve always used. The tool that has helped me survive for this long, and now ends this prolonged suffering.


Harry Potter. Harry Potter, the "boy who lived". The boy who lived and is suppose to save the whole world. The boy who sits in his bed, with the curtains drawn and gives silent screams with the visions of you. The visions of you hurting people, it's more than I can stand.....  
  
Memories consume, like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
And when i wake up with these visions burned into my memory, i do things. i take the pain those people feel and i make myself feel it. I hurt myself.  
  
you all assume, I'm safe here in my room  
  
unless i try to start again  
  
Ron found out one day. When i fell asleep in the middle of Divination, back in 5th year when Trelawney still taught, and i had one of those visions. i ran to the dorm and went too far. i hurt myself too much and couldn't make the bleeding stop. Then Ron came running upstairs to check on me and make sure i was okay and he saw. He saw and he screamed. God, it was awful. He ran over and stopped the bleeding. Then he grabbed some chocolate and practically shoved it down my throat, then started pulling me out the dorm muttering about the infirmary. I cried to him to stop and made him swear to never tell, and promised i would stop. And I did, for a while.  
  
The rest of the year, and through the beginning of sixth. Then the visions got worse. The things you do got worse, i saw you hurt people over and over. I saw you.......I saw you hurt little kids.......not just torturing then but you touched them too.....you made them scream in horror and pain and took their innocence from them , then gave them the blessing of dying.....and I hurt myself again. More and more. Once a day, twice a day, finally after every single class.   
  
I don't want to be the one, the battles always choose  
  
cause inside i realize, that i'm the one confused  
  
The pressure's getting to be too much, I can't take this anymore. Regardless of what people tell me, I can't beat you.....I'm not strong enough. I don't understand why it has to be mean, why I have to see these things, why it hurts so much. I've started pushing people away....I don't talk to Ron and Hermione before, who are too wrapped up in each other to notice anyway. I'm alone now......for the end of the war, is all this worth it? Prophecy or not, someone else will kill you. And i will be killed, but not your hand. If by any, than my own.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
or why i have to scream  
  
i don't know why i instigate  
  
and say what i don't mean  
  
i don't know how i got this way   
  
i know it's not all right  
  
so I'm breaking the habit tonight  
  
~ ~ Draco Malfoy ~ ~  
  
Malfoy. A family name respected and feared by most people of the wizarding world. A charade carried by family for generations. My father, THE Lucius Malfoy, right hand man of the Dark Lord himself. Me, Draco Malfoy, sworn enemy of Harry Potter, servant of you, Voldemort, since before i was born. It was my fate, a nightmare long coming that i kept wishing away. Only it has come......they burned me....they burned me with this ugly mark that i can never take off......believe me, i tried.....one night, alone, I tried to cut it out of my skin, anything to make it go away. but it didn't....through the blood i could see that ugly snake, silently laughing at my pain.  
  
And then, you made me do things. Little things at first, torture a muggle here and there, if i closed my eyes and ignored the screams, i could almost pretend i wasn't there. Then it got worse. You made me hurt little kids. Mudblood children....and when one looked my right in the eyes, pleading silently......I couldn't do it anymore.....you got so angry and you hurt me.......and the Father hurt me........and then i hurt myself. My way of punishing myself. I can get through my tasks now, knowing that I'll pay for it later....knowing that for a while i won't have to think about it, just feel the pain in my arms....  
  
clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door  
  
i try and catch my breath again  
  
You can make me hurt people, but you can't make me enjoy it. And you can't earn my loyalty the way you have my father's. I'll do whatever I can to keep from becoming what you are. I won't be a monster......but that's what i am....not willingly, but i am. I hurt little kids today. Really badly.....I can't even look at myself right now. So I'm punishing myself just as badly. You can't even see my arms anymore, the blood is coming so quickly.  
  
I hurt much more, than anything before  
  
I have no options left again  
  
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose  
  
cause inside i realize that I'm the one confused  
  
I don't know what to do. I can't defy my father and I can't defy you.....you'll make me hurt even more people. and as i hurt them i will see those little kids and I'll break. I will crack and fall to pieces in front of you. And then it will hurt more because you'll hurt me if i don't hurt them and you'll hurt them even more.....I'm so confused.......or i was.....and then i found the solution.......i will save myself and them, in the only way i know how...  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
or why i have to scream  
  
i don't know why i instigate  
  
and say what i don't mean  
  
i don't know how i got this way  
  
I'll never be all right  
  
so I'm breaking the habit tonight  
  
This is the end. I won't obey anyone anymore. I won't uphold the charade, i won't follow the orders. I won't hurt anymore, and I will feel nothing.   
  
I'll paint it on the walls  
  
cause I'm the one at fault  
  
~ ~ Harry Potter ~ ~  
  
I can't take this anymore......I fought against you for years but I can't take this anymore.....so in a sense, you have won........I concede to you, Voldemort.   
  
I'll never fight again  
  
and this is how it ends.  
  
~ ~ Both ~ ~  
  
I have drawn the curtains around my bed for the final time. I take a long dagger from under my pillow, the dagger I've always used. The tool that has helped me survive for this long, and now ends this prolonged suffering.   
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
or why i have to scream  
  
but now i have some clarity  
  
to show you what i mean  
  
I don't know how i got this way  
  
I'll never be all right  
  
This is it Voldemort. I raise this dagger to you, then bringing it my skin once more.   
  
I'm breaking the habit tonight.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters or the song Breaking the habit, which belongs to Linkin Park off their CD Meteora. 


End file.
